The cat lost its tail in an unfortunate weed-whacker event.

Very upset, the woman grabbed the cat and its severed tail and told her neighbor she was taking the cat to Walmart.

Her neighbor said, “Why on earth are you taking the cat to Walmart? You should take him to the vet!”

The lady replied, “Don’t you know Walmart’s the largest retailer in America??”

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” says the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says, “How well can you do?”

“Ummmm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” says the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in finesse, is a chihuahua. He gives her a smile and a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”

The wife answered, “Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband”.

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: “Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me”.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!…

…the husband became 92 years old.

During a recent password audit at a company, it was found that a blond receptionist was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Funny, huh? But seriously, that’s not a bad password! Throw in some random numbers and that would be a very secure one. Don’t make your passwords things like your dog’s name and your birthday or other things people can easily guess. And don’t make them standard dictionary words that brute force hackers can figure out by bombarding with lists of words.

Here’s some good tips from Lifehacker for safeguarding passwords:

Passwords should be longer than six characters and include a mix of uppercase, lowercase, and special characters.

Your password should never be a name, a slang word, or any word in the dictionary. It should never include part of your name or your email address.

Use passphrases instead of passwords. Even if you’re limited on the number of characters you can use, turn a long phrase into a jumbled short one. “I like bread and butter, especially at breakfast time.” can become “Ilbab$eabt!”.

Use a different password for every single site you access.

…If your password is compromised because of the stupidity of the people running the service you use, it doesn’t matter if you had an awesome password of enormous length and variety. If you use that awesome password on other services those services have now been compromised.

In all seriousness, I urge you to read the rest of the article, paying special attention to the additional links they include within it.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water..’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days..

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’

Have you seen any good ones yourself? Post them in the comments below!

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, right before the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life!”

The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted. It just felt right.”

The reporter says, “Well, I’m a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what is your political affiliation?”

The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican. The following morning, this headline was emblazoned on the front page of the New York Times

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT, STEALS HIS LUNCH

When they got to the hospital, she ran ahead of her Grandma and burst into her Grandpa’s room…

“Grandpa, Grandpa,” she said excitedly, “As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”

“What?” said her Grandpa.

“Make a noise like a FROG!“, she squealed again. “Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disneyland!!”