They stretch:

They hang:

They sneak:

Sometimes they’re forced to solve puzzles devised by cruel human beings:

It’s exhausting!

Sometimes they just need to relax. Can you blame them?

After a week of looting and pillaging, Marauding Squirrel needed a trip to the spa.

It puts the lotion on its calendar?

At the left is a screenshot of Jorte Calendar’s settings menu. Click the thumbnail to enlarge it.

First, let me say that I love Jorte Calendar. It’s one of the first things I’m sure to install when I get a new Android device. It’s currently on my HTC Amaze 4G, ASUS Transformer and was on my Kindle Firebefore I factory reset it and gave it to my mom.

This is what Jorte looks like on my HTC Amaze 4G's homescreen.

What’s the best thing about Jorte? The full-month calendar widget rocks! It has add-ons that give you extra fonts and colorful icons for events, but I prefer the clean look of it without them:

However, When I saw this, all I could think of was the unforgettable The Silence of the Lambs and creepy Jamie Gumb, the cross-dressing serial killer masterfully played by Ted Levine, holding his poodle and peering into the pit at his captive.

Who can forget his detached voice intoning, “It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again”?

Not for the faint of heart, that movie, but so good!

While we’re watching, have a laugh at these two TV clips referencing that famous scene. First, Craig Ferguson’s monologue:

And here’s a clip from Live! With Kelly, featuring Science Bob and Neil Patrick Harris:

I just heard a voice say, “It starts its work. It starts its work!”

Gotta go!

My unicorn keeps scooting across the carpet on his butt. Why is he doing this? Does he have worms?

Signed,
Mystified  Maiden

(Answer below.)

unicorn scooting across floor

Dear Mystified,

First of all, congratulations on taming this fine beast. You must be of an exceptionally pure heart. I can understand why you find this behavior distressing. Aside from your concern over his welfare, I know it is expensive having those textiles cleaned.

Rest assured, this is a common problem. Your unicorn has impacted anal glands. Normally, the glands’ magical and glittery secretions are expressed when your unicorn eliminates, or passes rainbows. Sometimes, however, the glitter and rainbow dust become impacted in the star-shaped glands. This irritation drives the behavior you describe; your unicorn is in discomfort and is doing the only thing he knows to do for relief.

If you’d like to bring him by the clinic, I’ll be happy to treat him for you. Or, the next time you take him in to have his horn and hooves buffed and polished, ask the groomer if she can express them for you. In the meantime, I’d suggest you feed him a diet higher in fiber. I’d also suggest cutting back on the amount of lucky charms you let him eat.

Best,
Dr. Doolittle, DVMBM,
Doctor of Veterinary and Mythical Beast Medicine

Ed: I ran across the above illustration online and this backstory popped into my head.

What the recipe was called: Man Catching Fried Chicken

When I read the subject line, I knew what the recipe’s submitter was trying to say when she titled it. This is a place where one tiny hyphen would have made a difference in the literal interpretation of the phrase. This is what immediately popped into my mind:

What I saw in my mind: Man catching fried chicken.

Actually, my mental image was better, but I don’t have the drawing skills to reproduce what’s in my mind’s eye!

When two or more words modify the noun that come after them, there should be a hyphen in between them (see Compound Modifiers).

Man-catching fried chicken implies, “This fried chicken is so good, it’s sure to catch you a man”. However, without that hyphen, the phrase means this: (The) man (is) catching fried chicken. The words in parentheses are assumed.

So, I laughed aloud the other night when I ordered Chinese food for delivery from the awesome Billy Lee’s Chop Suey House since Howie was at a meeting. This was the fortune in my cookie: “You find what you’re looking for; just open your eyes!”

I didn’t just laugh when I read that, I roared. It’s not often something so perfect shows up in a fortune cookie. So, I made a little sign, writing “Mansight…” and drawing a heart. I affixed the fortune in the heart’s center and placed the sign on the fridge.

Saturday morning, I asked my beloved if he’d noticed the fridge.

“Yes….”, he said, a little testily. I asked him when he noticed it and he replied, “This morning.”

I put it on the fridge Tuesday night.

That, friends, is mansight.

Happy valentine’s day, Howie – I love you dearly!

While I was chatting with my electronic friend, I asked something about fees. She directed me to the fees page, cleverly circumventing my question. I know, I know, she’s not real. She had the same effect on me as the monotone GPS voice which, though it doesn’t really change inflection, sounds like it does. Turn left. Turn left. Turn left!

In a moment of frustration, I typed, “this is useless”. You see how the conversation went downhill from there.

The conversation quickly went downhill.

My big question is, will PayPal cover my virtual hospital bills for my virtual gunshot wound? That little snip got me right between the eyes! Thank God she’s really tiny. Just sayin’.

The cat lost its tail in an unfortunate weed-whacker event.

Very upset, the woman grabbed the cat and its severed tail and told her neighbor she was taking the cat to Walmart.

Her neighbor said, “Why on earth are you taking the cat to Walmart? You should take him to the vet!”

The lady replied, “Don’t you know Walmart’s the largest retailer in America??”

Maru, the box-obsessed Asian Kitty on YouTube, would concur.

Too small box and Maru:

He takes box love to a whole new level. I just loves me some Maru kitty.

UPDATE: Oh, my gosh. I was just browsing Amazon and found out there is a Maru book coming out in August: I Am Maru. No way…How fun!

Man, I love the Internet.

I'm really not a mourning person, but thanks.

Hate your job? Love to hate your job? Dream of your misspent youth while working? Do you rue the day you were born? You’ll love it here!

I think I’ll go outside and watch the morning doves at my feeder.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” says the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says, “How well can you do?”

“Ummmm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” says the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in finesse, is a chihuahua. He gives her a smile and a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”