Church humor: I typed WHAT?

Whether the result of grammar gone wild or typographical errors, these church bulletin bloopers are sure to live in posterity. As if it wasn’t bad enough to find your mistake in print, now the wonder of the interwebs can disperse your gaff around the world in the blink of an eye!

  • The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
  • The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water..’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
  • Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
  • Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
  • Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  • For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days..
  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  • Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
  • The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
  • Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
  • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  • This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  • Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
  • The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.. Please use the back door.
  • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  • The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’

Have you seen any good ones yourself? Post them in the comments below!

Word Play

I received this snappy little list of puns and word plays from a friend today:

1. The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

5. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

6. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

7. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

8. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

9. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

10. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

11. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

12. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

13. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

14. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Liquid language: Bloggeries

I’ve been thinking about nelogisms, or new words. Language is fluid, always changing. Nowhere is this more true than in net lingo. Like the Sniglets of the 1980’s, new words and phrases are coined every day, and it’s a matter of time to see whether they stick around to be legitimized in the Merriam Webster or if they’re relegated only to the slang of a few admirers.

Someone on Twitter has thrown his hat into the ring. Bloggeries coined a fun plural noun, I think. What do you think of this word? Do your own bloggeries contain any new words coined by you?