Normally, I don’t make it a practice to reply to spam. I mean, what’s the point? It just lets the spammer know they’ve reached a human being at the end of the line and that only results in more spam. But since I’m getting ready to close down the e-mail address which received the spam, I felt an uncanny freedom to reply. So I did. The spam, which I’ll include here, is a long one from someone claiming to be clarivoyant and to have received my name and e-mail address from when I answered an ad on twistedhumor.com one time. I can tell you, the spam I received from twistedhumor.com, even after my “officially” unsubscribing after finding their newsletter pretty offensive, was really something. It was just non-stop! Anyway, what follows is this chick’s psychic spam and the reply I sent back. If I get any reply from her, I’ll post it here, too.
K, please forgive me for writing such a long letter, but I sincerely believe that what you are about to read can be of great benefit to you. You are receiving this letter because you responded to my advertisement on twistedhumor.com If you responded in error, or wish to be removed, simply hit reply and type remove in the subject line.
My name is Cheryl Jones, and although we don’t know each other yet, we do have a common bond. Since birth, I’ve been blessed with a gift from God called clairvoyance, which essentially means that I can connect with the energy of others from a distance and read into their past, present, and future, and provide valuable insight and professional advice. I have and continue to help countless people worldwide every day in dealing with relationship and financial issues.
First, I must tell you upfront that no one can magically make your problems disappear, issue spells hexes or curses, or anything of that nature. If you gain anything from this letter, PLEASE, do not send money to anyone professing they can do this, or anything else that seems too good to be true.
Being born clairvoyant was, and still is a challenging life. I too have had my fair share of troubled relationships in the past and know exactly what you are going through. When it comes down to dealing with life’s everyday issues, I’m a woman just like any other. I suffer through hard times, wondering, “Why me?, How in the world am I going to get through this mess? Is the man I’m with really right for me? Is he faithful?, What should I do?”
Knowing how the gift of clairvoyance can help answer these questions, I too sought the help of others who professed to have this gift. Unfortunately, as you are probably aware, many are frauds. I too was promised miracles, only yet again to find myself with a broken heart and empty wallet.
After witnessing first hand all the false promises made, hyped up T.V. commercials, magazine ads and web sites, I swore up and down that my gift would be used to benefit a few select individuals who really wanted and needed my help, as it was intended. When you call for a reading, you will always speak with me personally. I am not part of a network, or in a group of people sitting around a conference table answering telephones reading pre-written scripts.
I know it’s extremely convincing to hear that your loved one can magically be reunited with you, someone can cast a spell to draw anyone to you, or that winning lottery numbers can be dropped in your lap tomorrow, but think about it: Would anyone who could legitimately do this be willing to share this information? If so, it would have been so widespread by now that everyone alive today would be filthy rich and living in total bliss with the partner of their dreams. You and I both know how far-fetched this sounds.
Okay K, so now you’re probably sitting there wondering if all this is not possible, than why is a clairvoyant stranger writing me and saying that my life could change forever by picking up the telephone?
The truth is simple. Only you have the power to take action and improve your life. Only you can do what it takes to repair a damaged relationship or move on and find an ideal partner.
As a professional in this business and having been in your shoes countless times, I share your frustration and can provide a real service that guarantees accurate results, because I have your best intentions in mind. Once we speak, I will clearly see your current circumstances and see what your future holds based on what actions you take or overlook. This vital information will empower you to make decisions leading to optimal results. Here are just a few questions you may have which I know I can be of help with:
*How does the person I’m with really feel about me?
*Is he/she being faithful?
*Would it be in my best interests to end this relationship?
*Will someone new be entering my life?
*Do you see children or others in my future?
*Will my financial situation change?
*Do you see me at a better or different job soon?
*What should I do, right now, to get the results I desire?
Revealing accurate information concerning current and future relationships has been my forte since I first discovered this gift. Sometimes, answers to questions you may not ask about, such as financial matters, pop up anyway. You may even be shocked at some of the secrets we discover!
Are you stuck in a dead-end relationship, dead-end job, or just tired of being alone waiting for that special someone to show up? Why not stack the deck in your favor, right now, and find out exactly what you need to do to be on the best path your life has to offer?
Once we speak, you’ll instantly realize that I am a genuine compassionate woman with a remarkable ability to help you. In a matter of thirty minutes, I’ll provide insight and specific information to you so profound and powerful that I guarantee you will want to save my phone number for the future or pass it on to friends.
Since I am extremely proficient at what I do, I can tell you that a call typically lasts 30-40 minutes, sometimes longer. Regardless, I charge one flat rate of $77 for my service, as I cannot do an accurate reading if you are focused on how high the charge will be during the call. Please note that I can only accept MasterCard, Visa, or Discover for payment.
Now I’ve taken the first step and reached out to contact you, but the final decision is yours. Within a matter of hours you could be in possession of vital information leading to better times ahead, or this information can go undiscovered. The choice is yours.
I truly hope that you have no doubts about me and will take action and call me today at (###) ###-####. If you like, you may leave your contact information at the following link and I’ll call you within 24 hours to schedule an appointment: http://www.###.com. Either way, remember, I’m here to help you when you need it.
P.S. Remember, I work alone, so if you get my voice mail when calling, please be sure to leave your name and telephone number so that I may call you back promptly.
Weak with laughter here. Okay, now here’s my reply:
Greetings, Cheryl! 🙂
Well, if you are clarivoyant, you must realize that
(1) I did NOT respond to any ad on twistedhumor.com
(b) I am not at all interested in your spam any more than I was interested in twistedhumor’s relentless mailings following my request to unsubscribe
(three) The e-mail address to which you sent this spam is soon to be permanently closed, so it matters little to me whether you bombard me with more junk because it will be bouncing right back to ya.
Just know that this is being fowarded to the government’s UTC address and to every abuse address I can find regarding your ISP and those through whom your message bounced on its way to me. Being clarivoyant, though, I’m sure you surmised this already.
Thanks, and happy future readings,