I’m feeling blue today for a few reasons. I can’t really go into details, but one good thing has come of it. I realize I need to culture my relationship – my friendship, really – with God more. Though I am a social person and get along well with people (nobody’s a stranger, you know the type), I don’t have many really close friends. I have a pretty small circle of people with whom I feel really comfortable and with whom I want to spend my time. It isn’t that I dislike others so much as this:
In a nutshell, I appear to be really outgoing, and I am. I just don’t let people in very easily.
The thing is, though, I depend on the people in my life too much. God wants me to get to know Him, but I tend to gravitate toward my (for lack of a better word) “earthly” friends instead of God. Nurturing human friendships and having a vital relationship with God is great, but not one at the exclusion of the other. So when my happy norm of friendships is upset – be it by absence, sickness, you name it – I am left twiddling my thumbs and feeling bereft. I don’t know what to do with myself! God wants to fill that gap, I know. But I have such a hard time really trusting Him with my heart sometimes.
If you’ve read my entries here, you know my relationship with my “absentee father”, is not good, and I have no good father memories associated with him. So it’s hard to trust God as Father. It’s hard for me to really trust people, too, but people are just so much easier, in a way. You can look ’em in the eyes, see their expressions, hold their hands, hug ’em, and pat ’em on the back. Even my good friends from the Internet – many of which I may never meet face-to-face, are often more real to me than God. I can chat with them in word or type through this marvelous network tying the globe together. But God is so “out there” to this believer most of the time. I know there’s the Bible, but even it just feels like a one-way conversation to me when I’m down like this. People give me the two-way communication I thrive on; but I need that with my Maker, too.
I am a Christian, and I’ve seen God work in my life. I have no doubt He’s real, but I just wish He were more real to me. I know the only way to get to know people is to spend time with them and learn about them…I need to get past what keeps me from doing that with God. He already knows me, after all. It’s not like I’m apt to say something inappropriate or shocking to Him. I need that communion with Him to sustain me.