Dear Vet: My unicorn keeps scooting across the carpet on his butt

Dear Doctor,

My unicorn keeps scooting across the carpet on his butt. Why is he doing this? Does he have worms?

Signed,
MystifiedĀ  Maiden

(Answer below.)

image

unicorn scooting across floor

Dear Mystified,

First of all, congratulations on taming this fine beast. You must be of an exceptionally pure heart. I can understand why you find this behavior distressing. Aside from your concern over his welfare, I know it is expensive having those textiles cleaned.

Rest assured, this is a common problem. Your unicorn has impacted anal glands. Normally, the glands’ magical and glittery secretions are expressed when your unicorn eliminates, or passes rainbows. Sometimes, however, the glitter and rainbow dust become impacted in the star-shaped glands. This irritation drives the behavior you describe; your unicorn is in discomfort and is doing the only thing he knows to do for relief.

If you’d like to bring him by the clinic, I’ll be happy to treat him for you. Or, the next time you take him in to have his horn and hooves buffed and polished, ask the groomer if she can express them for you. In the meantime, I’d suggest you feed him a diet higher in fiber. I’d also suggest cutting back on the amount of lucky charms you let him eat.

Best,
Dr. Doolittle, DVMBM,
Doctor of Veterinary and Mythical Beast Medicine

Ed: I ran across the above illustration online and this backstory popped into my head.

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